The following articles are brought to you by the Hospice of the North
Coast, in the hope that they may bring peace to any of our readers who find
themselves in distress at this time of the year – particularly in view of the
devastation of October’s fire storm.
When you grieve, the season that once brought joy may heighten your awareness of a terrible hole in your heart and in your life. The holiday season can bring intense pain, but suggestions from other bereaved individuals can help you understand, cope with and grow though the pain you may face during the coming holidays.
- Consider doing only what is special and meaningful to you this year. Set limits and establish priorities. It is important to recognize that your energy may be lower than normal.
- Decide for yourself how you want to handle the days that are special to you (Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, etc.). Family get-togethers can be difficult. It will be important to accept your own needs and those of others, and to communicate your decisions clearly to family and friends. It helps not to expect too much of yourself or of the day.
- You may want to plan your holiday shopping ahead of time. If seeing decorations or being wished, “Merry Christmas!” is painful, consider shopping early (before Thanksgiving) or by catalog. You may want to have a shopping list ready, so that when a good day comes along, you can shop efficiently.
- Consider cutting back on greeting cards, especially to those friends you will see over the holidays. If some friends are not aware of your loved one’s death, you may want to enclose the simple funeral service card in the greeting card. Many bereaved people find special comfort in friends’ concerned responses at this time.
- As the holiday season approaches, give yourself permission to share your concerns with friends, relatives, or a counselor. Allowing yourself the love and support you need can help you through the holidays.
- Ask for and accept offers of concrete assistance with holiday chores, (for example, decorating, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.). Look for ways to involve others in holiday planning. Chances are your loved ones are looking for ways to lessen your burden at this time of year. Help them to help you by letting them know what you would like them to do.
Personal Ceremonies for the Holidays
Because holidays are times of tradition and ceremony, you may want to create special new ceremonies that honor your loss and help you to bridge that gap between the past holidays you shared with your loved one and the future holidays you now face with out him or her.
• Visit the cemetery alone or with others to place flowers, pray, write in a journal, or reminisce.
• Visit a place that your loved one especially enjoyed.
• Plant a special plant, bush or tree in memory of your loved one.
• Place a special ornament on the Christmas tree in memory of the deceased.
• Donate money to a charity or cause that has special meaning to you.
• Give a significant book, piece of jewelry or article of clothing that belonged to your loved one to some special person.
• Light a candle to include your loved one in the holiday activities.
• Reminisce during the holidays about your loved one’s life and the holidays you shared together.
• Gather photographs, mementos, and written memories to make a book of remembrances of experiences you shared with your loved one.
Acknowledging My Limitations
While the whole world seems consumed with tinsel and glitter, those who grieve are only aware of the terrible hole in their hearts and in their lives. Here are some helpful thoughts which other bereaved people have shared, with the hope of making the holidays easier to handle.
Realize that when you grieve, you have definite limitations; you do not function at normal capacity. Re-evaluate your priorities and decide what is really meaningful for you and your families.
1. Sort out what you can handle comfortably and let these needs be known to family, friends and relatives to help you. Decide:
• whether or not to talk about your loved one openly;
• whether you can handle the responsibility of the family dinner, holiday parties, etc., or if you wish someone else to take over some of these tasks;
• whether you will stay home for the holidays, or choose to go to a totally different environment this year.
2. Sometimes changes can make things less painful. Consider:
• opening presents at a different time than usual; having dinner at a different time or place; attending a different church/synagogue for your service; letting the children take over decorating, making cookies, etc.
3. Your greatest comfort may come in doing something for others. You may find more meaning for the holidays in:
• giving a gift in memory of your loved one
• donating the money you would have spent on your loved one’s gift to a particular charity
• adopting a needy family for the holidays
• inviting a guest (foreign student, senior citizen, etc.) to your festivities
4. No matter what the holiday task may be, consider:
• Have I involved or considered my children?
• Do I really enjoy doing this?
• Do other family members really enjoy doing this?
• Is this a task that can be shared by other family members?
• Would the holiday be OK without it?
• If I chose not to participate, how would everyone react?
One family burns a “special candle” on all their special days to quietly include their absent loved one. One mother buys a special plant for her home as a living memorial to her son for the holiday season; another always orders a bouquet of orange daisies.
Make your holiday shopping is definitely list out ahead of time. Then, when one of those “good days” comes along, you can get your shopping done quickly and with less confusion. Remember to…
• Take one day at a time.
• Be realistic. Recognize that you need to set limits and do those things which are meaningful to you and your family.
• Know that whatever you choose to do this year, you may decide to handle things differently next year. Growth and change go hand in hand.
• Don’t forget the comforting discovery confirmed by many people, that when the holiday finally arrives, it is rarely as bad as you anticipated.
My Personal
Holiday Plan
I predict that the most difficult parts of the
holiday season for me will be:
_________________________________________________________________
The
most difficult people to be with might be:
________________________________________________________________
My
grief triggers will be:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Words
that it would help me to hear would be:
________________________________________________________________
My
support people (those who can hear my grief) are:
________________________________________________________________
In the
past I celebrated holidays by:
________________________________________________________________
This
year I want to include the following traditions in my holiday:
________________________________________________________________
One
thing which I’ve always wanted to do at the holidays but never managed to do
is:
________________________________________________________________
I
would like the following people to be with me:
________________________________________________________________
I do
not want to spend my holiday with the following people:
________________________________________________________________
The
most difficult words (words I do not consider supportive) might be:
________________________________________________________________
Some
things that might help me when I am feeling intense pain are:
________________________________________________________________
Grief support groups and meeting others who
know what grief is can help during this painful time. Call a hospice near you
for information regarding grief support groups.
PARENTS’ CORNER
Children and Grief at the Holidays
Holidays may be some of the hardest days to face when you are grieving. When someone in a family dies, everyone, especially the children, feels a loss of control. As much as possible, include the children’s needs in the holiday decision-making process. When discussing death and the person who died, follow the children’s lead. Answer their questions directly in ways they can understand. The following tips may help you as you make decisions regarding your first holidays.
-Children grieve differently than adults. They need reassurance that the world will go on.
-Their grief may show itself only from time to time.
-Children often mix up fantasy and reality. Help them correct misinformation.
-- Children imagine that the world revolves around them. If something bad happens, they think it is their fault. They often feel guilty when someone close to them dies because they feel they somehow caused the death. Reassure them with accurate information about the cause of death.
-- Children fear that death will take someone else in their family, especially a parent. When a family member gets a cold or is injured, be clear about the nature of the problem and answer their concerns.
-- Children have a strong need to be a significant and contributing member of their family. Assign them some meaningful tasks at the holidays so they may feel genuinely helpful.
Develop rituals together to keep the memory of the loved one alive. Some ideas for rituals are:
~At Christmas have a stocking for the person and ask the children to write special letters to put in, or write a special memory that they can share with everyone.
~When there is gift giving, give a possession or something significant of the person who died to the children.
~For any special day, have the children light their own candles in their loved one’s memory.
~Make a book of photographs and narratives of memories with your young children for any special occasion.
Understand that your children may have more energy and enthusiasm for the holiday than you will have. Call upon others to help you as you plan for a meaningful day with them. Above all, be a model for your children and allow all the emotions to be present. Honestly expressed sadness can be a treasured part of any important day.
If the fires have brought up fears, concerns or other grief issues because of losing someone you love, Hospice of the North Coast can help. Hospice of the North Coast is a nonprofit, community-based hospice that has been serving the North County San Diego community for more than 25 years. Hospice of the North Coast is committed to assisting patients/clients to have the best quality of life. HNC provides spiritual guidance, expressive art therapies, caregiver education and extended grief support/bereavement services to its patient's families as well as the community at large through its HOPE Bereavement Center. Hospice of the North Coast offers a 26-week, open and ongoing, series of group meetings offering grief education and discussion on topics of interest for those dealing with loss.
“Pathways through Grief and Loss” is held every Tuesday from 1:30 to 3:00 p.m., at 5441 Avenida Encinas, Suite A, Carlsbad. Please call 760-431-4100 for information or go to www.hospicenorthcoast.org.
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